It was a play about honesty, with oneself and with the world and its about the dreams we often have and almost as often give up on. There was conflict between family and society. Who wins? Save the family and betray the social order, or let lose the family when the greater good calls for it? Who are our families?

There was a doctor in the play. He was really the voice of the writer in this show it seemed. He was the one to bring up life's focus on practicality. We can't always do what we want, because it is not practical. It won't support our family or the lifestyle we wish to display ourselves living. And we give up on those dreams, watching our honesty disappear.

I hope I'm not doing that. It bothers me sometimes to think that what I am doing with my life, everything that's happening with my life, might be happening because its practical, its a "good idea." I get all worked up sometimes worrying about if I'm really being true to myself. And then I realize you can't really know unless you act, unless you do something with your life. I can't sit paralyzed by the fear that I'm not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I'd rather just do things I think will help at the moment with out bothering about the "purpose" behind them or whether it "fulfills" me or not. Whatever I do, if I do it well and my heart is in it, will be what being true to myself means. I get to decide what it means by deciding to act. Because, who am I without action? You are what you do. The tough part is doing it with your heart.

Maybe that's what I'm really worried about...that I don't have a heart with which to do meaningful things or with which will feel the beauty behind the actions.

the begining?

So, I'm not totally sold on my blogs name yet, as I'm not entirely sure how people will take a anarchist doctor, or even if you can BE an anarchist doctor. But this is just a test, to see if I have what it takes to blog and to stick up for my beliefs. And I'm a med student anyway, I don't have to put an MD after my name for a good three years yet.

I've only recently become aware that I have severe anarchist leanings. I was brought up a capitalist, became a socialist for a while (if only in thought), and have come to realize that the most moral and egalitarian position one can take in the world is anarchy. It doesn't assume the stupidity of the masses and the need for a caretaker to oversee societal functioning. It doesn't bank on cut-throat competition among unequals, never-ending consumerism and environmental destruction in exchange for short term gain. Anarchy depends only on the inherent goodness in people. I have a desire the desire to see the world as a good place and a place where people don't need rules to tell them respect for the other is a good in itself. If humanity needs policing to tell them that murder is wrong or that cooperation creates the best outcomes for everyone involved there is something incredibly wrong with how we raise our children. I know it is not a plausable or effective way of running a society and might lead to ruin, but hey, that's what anarchy is against anyway, "running" a society. I belive love and mutual respect and trust are the most moral basis to live by and to interact with others, not laws and edicts, not five year plans or...commandments. If someone slaps you, turn the other cheek. If they slap you again, turn your cheek again. They will eventually tire, or humanity is already lost forever. Thats why I want to be a doctor. I trust people will learn from their mistakes. I will help fix people to the best of my ability, physically, psychologically and spiritually. Some things will be beond my power, and some things will take me to the limits of myself and tear me down. I hope I can take it.